Hello, internet.
Are you awake right now?
Of course not.
It’s 3 o’clock in the morning
people who called themselves my friends used to lecture me for my
trauma
Girl
Behavior
Meaning:
The fact that I told them not to treat me like shit
At three o’clock in the morning
As Philip K Dick revealed in his excellent book,
We need to think critically about history and ask:
Who are the real villains of World War Two?
History resembles Game of Thrones in terms of its moral complexity. The Nazis were villains of history - both cruel and stupid. Nazism overtook Germany after innocent people were overly punished for the loss of World War One: a people are more easily radicalized into hatred when suffering. Stalin was, in my boyfriend’s opinion and mine, the more intelligent villain of that plot.
A smarter villain: still a pawn of a higher power. “The Man In The High Castle” was the true power: people who wanted to own the world and deputized other peoples to fight their wars. Kings who turned other nations into soldier-colonies in secret.
To help others feel less alone, I have been honest about how I was raped and tortured as a little girl
- My Simba Girl: my account of what it was like to be deafened, raped, and sterilized while awake as a tearful little girl who begged not to be raped
- Daddy’s Girl 2004: A poem I wrote at age fourteen after watching my father’s health deteriorate after a so-called “tragic” car accident when I was twelve years old. I wrote this poem two weeks after his funeral as an eighth grade girl
- My Mental Health Blog: written with the sorrow of a woman who hated herself quietly, having given up on her dreams, and thought she was an ugly old hag who should disguise her face as pixel art
Because I believe in offering people a chance to apologize,
I am posting this website
Before I release my song of heartbreak.
In my opinion, there are “Men In The High Castle” in every generation.
In our modern world, the greatest cowards of our lifetime would not be who you think they are
As Martin Luther King Jr said:
“The ultimate tragedy is not the oppression and cruelty by the bad people but the silence over that by the good people.”
I agree with both Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s opinion and what Harper Lee communicated in her most famous book, To Kill A Mockingbird.
Here’s the gist. Many of you have already read that literature classic.
Scout, the heroine of the story, understands the difference between right and wrong. A white woman’s father alleges that a young man raped her. It turns out that the young woman’s father is the real villain of the story -- he alleges that a crime occurred because he despises the idea that his daughter fell in love with a Black man. Same story as Shakespeare told in Othello, basically.
Harper Lee wrote that it is a sin to kill mockingbirds. All songbirds do is sing, fly, fall in love and raise their families. Nevertheless people hunt and kill animals cruelly. I eat meat so I won’t make this into a diatribe about vegetarianism. I believe in ethical consumption. (I already reduce my meat consumption and enjoy alternative meats. Moderation rules!)
My point here is that humans including me have been tortured and hunted like game animals. Although I’ll own that I’ve made some big mistakes in life, I’ve avoided cruelty with every cell in my body. I think my greatest sin so far was being born into a body that evil people found desirable. For that, I have spent my life running away from rapists. Alas for me: rapists understand how to use lies and coercion too. If only cardio itself was enough to escape rapists!
Nope. Rapists know that they can allege pedophilia against a girl’s own father. Rapists also know that if you rape a child once, CONGRATS! MAXIMUM SCORE ON THE CHILDHOOD TRAUMA CRAZY-O-METER! The first pedophile who raped me and knew my name put me on a lifetime list for free rapes. He or she knew my legal name, previous address, and who raised me. BOOM! Now every time the pedophile wants to rape me: “I’M CONCERNED ABOUT LEXIE MARTIN! SHE WAS RAPED AS A CHILD AND HER FATHER DIED WHEN SHE WAS FOURTEEN AND OH NO! I’M A WORRIED NEIGHBOR! Please, let this call be anonymous!”
That’s how the law functions. My rapists can order a rape in a hospital as if my body is a menu item on Doordash. They don’t have to pay me a cent to rape me, torture me, and rip up my little cunt again. What? Are you flinching because I wrote the word cunt? Rapists sliced up the aforementioned cunt when I was seven. You’re a coward if flinch because you read the word.
Now, I’m no expert but...
In Grad school
my professors taught me that race is an important facet of our identity, but not the only axis of power in today’s world
In my opinion, racism is a both/and issue. Alive and well in our society: a problem we must address. However - money and social connections are the true dimensions of power. Race is a divide along which people are easily radicalized, yes.
I trust that people more directly impacted by prejudice experienced equal or greater horrors. Whatever privilege I hold was not enough to keep rapists from 🩸“Cutting off my wings.”🪽
Raping and torturing me.
Ripping up my womb so that my male rapists would never need to wear condoms.
as a child, i was already a wise little girl
Stay tuned for songs
i longed for the ocean with bitter tears. i was angry at my parents for somehow uprooting me and begged to go back “where i belong”
The ache of homelessness stings a child’s soul. My heartbreak recalls a legend i heard when visiting the islands of hawaii. Let’s call it... the tradewinds bargain.
You might recognize this theme in The Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones, Berserk, the best World War Two movies, and hopefully from your history classes.
The nations of evil dictators like Stalin and Hitler pay the price for the actions of the vilest politicians who ever won their national elections. Innocent nations sometimes must also surrender in order to avoid being bombed into oblivion as collateral damage.
One of the most haunting stories I ever heard was the story of Queen Regent Liliuokalani. History books say that she never had children of her own but adopted three children. Knowing how history goes, I wonder if perhaps instead the once-queen knew that she had to lie about having had any children of her body.
Perhaps a queen traded four children to adopt three, to save her home and people?
The theme of “the tradewinds bargain” is always the same. You might remember it from Game of thrones - the Iron Islands loses a war. theon greyjoy is castrated, tortured, robbed of his soul and dies.
who knows, really.
history tends to repeat itself.
peace always costs more than war.
a queen’s children might have been “scattered to the four winds.” one to the east, to the west, to the south, to the north. Anyway, enough history stuff for now! let’s talk music.
And, yet... I was tortured and raped and sterilized as if I had no rights at all as a human being.
Wow. We live in hell.
Here, let me skip to the part that breaks my heart.
I recognize the face, voice, stories, morals, worldview and style of my Grandma Dindie. She had the most beautiful speaking voice I’ve ever heard. Soft, gentle, sad, and low.
In one of my classes at Teachers College, we talked a lot about how the KKK targeted white abolitionists too. I remembered how all of my family members do their best to do the right thing, always. I made a family history chart noting how often people in my family moved away, how early they died, and how many children they had.
This didn’t make it into my homework assignment but I remember approximately when my Grandma Virginia (Dindie) had a hysterectomy. When I listened to the songs of Peggy Lee and an interview with Harper Lee, I damn near fainted with shock. That is Virginia “Dindie” Lee Reid’s voice. It’s her face in the photos. Did she have “genetically originating endometriosis” or was she given a hysterectomy by the variety of evil doctor who sterilized me as a crying seven-year-old girl? This is the same woman, isn’t it?
Not all is as it seems. For example: Some beloved stars? They helped! Sometimes craftily.
Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith outmaneuvered the cruelty of evildoers. I feel that their involvement helped the network that allowed me to, at least, live to be an adult. I am grateful to them.
However: there are also villains in very recent history. People who hid behind their privilege knowing that other people’s children would be tortured. People who whispered: “Well, it’s okay to just... be a nice person, right?”
Not when other people’s children are being tortured, no. You’re not “nice.” You’re a coward who discovered euphemisms to look away from the rape of children.
Grandma Dindie, I loved you no matter what. I wondered why you never published your wonderful stories.
And - apologies to Mr. Bach if I’m wrong. I thought I was just a big fan of Tina Turner but...
well, I am so happy she found her soul mate.
Just for the sake of my sanity...
Yup.
This is a very plausible explanation for why I sing and dance the way I do.
Hello, family.
I adored your art from afar. It would have been beautiful to know my family when more of us were alive. I would have loved to talk about art with my family, hold their hands as they died, and just be together.
Perhaps, however, there’s still hope for me and my family.
Who knows if she’s still alive, but if Eartha Kitt fooled this evil-ass world...
GOOD FOR HER.
I have some theories about one or two other beloved stars, but -- you know what, I’m going to try and restrict how many crackpot theories I publish at a time.
Did people seriously think that I would not learn about peace from my family?! Hello to Jane Fonda who was right about wars and injustices.
Just because a woman is beautiful and enjoys working out doesn’t also mean that she isn’t 100% right about world peace!
Here’s SOME of my MANY websites.
emma
Nacho Booty Entertainment
i hope spotify releases my song soon. Need some help with instruments. I think my music will sound much better if I work with other artists. also, i’ll work faster! and be less of a lonely weirdo!